THE 3 LITTLE PIGS:
BETTY'S VERSION
By
Brittany White
Hi I’m Betty. I’m sure you’re thinking right now, “who in the world is Betty and what does she have to do with the three little pigs?”
Well, I’ll tell you. I’m the three little pigs younger, and in my opinion, drastically smarter sister, Betty. I’m known around town as “Big Beauty Betty” because I have a personality that’s larger than life and I’ve got the looks to match. Really, I’m a hot commodity around these parts.
The drawback to these assets are that they eventually led to my brothers’ immense jealously, which is the reason why they’ve never mentioned my name or the fact that they even have a sister.
I was there the day supposedly “big bad wolf” came around and was doing all his so called “huffing and puffing”. Y-E-A-H R-I-G-H-T!
That’s not how it went down at all. The only reason my brothers told that made-up pile of manure was to get the fame and recognition that they so always desired in order to step out from under MY overwhelmingly admired shadow.
The “big bad wolf” in the story was actually my beloved boyfriend Sal Rosenbloom.
In reality, he only went to my brothers’ homes that day to look for me to pick me up for our date.
My brothers never approved of our deep love affair because Sal was brought up Jewish and let’s face it; it’s just not kosher for Jews and pork to be messing around.
So from the start of our relationship, my brothers had it in for us. To make matters worse, my brothers had absolutely no life, it was pathetic. Neither one of them could or would go anywhere without the other and they refused to talk or have any kind of relationship with anyone else.
When my parents tried to make them realize that they were getting older and it was time to get married and start their own families they just CRACKED.
My brothers always envisioned living together for the rest of their lives, never having to leave each others’ side. I swear, I wouldn’t be surprised if they couldn’t even go to the bathroom without the other tagging along.
The thing was though that no sane girl in her right mind would ever marry one of my brothers, I mean they were too in love with each other to give any sort of love to a woman, there was just none to spare.
Eventually, my parents became ill at the thought of my brothers not marrying and producing heirs to carry on our family name. When my brothers saw how ill they were making my parents they knew they had to find some way to get hitched.
I mean my parents were a complete mess; they both couldn’t get out of bed for more than a month because they were constantly faint and nauseous.
Once, in the beginning, when my mom tried to make her way down the stairs to make herself a turkey and bacon sandwich she got so faint she ended up collapsing midway and plummeting down several flights of stairs. My poor dear mother broke her hip that fateful night!
So my brothers devised a scheme to kill two birds with one stone. By telling everyone that a “big bad wolf” was huffing and puffing all their houses down they could become famous for their courageousness in standing up against the wicked wolf. In turn, this would cause women to take more notice so they could each get married. which would then restore my parents to their normal state of good health.
The plan also enabled them to enact REVENGE upon me, their younger sister “Big Beauty Betty”, by blacklisting my beloved boyfriend and causing all to think that I was dating an attempted murderer.
Well, there you have it, that’s what really went down. I bet you’re thinking now “okay, well what happened?!?!” Now, you couldn’t think I’d actually let them get away with this now could you? Of course not!
I used my immense popularity to spread the word of what really happened. I took out space in every NEWSPAPER, told my story on the top TALK SHOW and news broadcast circuits, and held more than a dozen formal live PRESS CONFERENCES.
But actually this turned out to be the best for everyone...
After everyone was made aware of my brothers and their sleazy and scandalous ways the whole town turned on them. They were never able to get married and all three now live together on the outskirts of town in a trailer down by the river. I guess that’s what they always wanted anyway though, to live together and not be bothered by anyone else.
My parents turned out fine also. They stopped feeling sorry for themselves and took all their pent up energy and used it to conceive 3 more boys who would be able to marry and carry out our family name.
As for me, I couldn’t be happier with how things ended up...
Sal’s good name was restored and our love affair blossomed into a devoted marriage. We have been married for 1 ½ and are the proud parents of twins. I now have my own TV PROGRAM which shows mom’s how to take and keep off there hard to loose baby weight and I’m more FAMOUS now than I’ve ever been.
THE END!!!